Hope Sessions

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How good is your memory?  Quick – think of the clothes you wore for the last seven days – including undergarments.  Remember? Yes – okay, you won!  Skip to the next paragraph.   For the rest of us, how about the last five days?  No?  Three days? No?!  Do you know what you’re wearing now?  Hopefully the answer is yes on that one.

Memory, remembrance, is a complicated thing. There are many reasons we remember some things so clearly and not others.  Like what you wore this past week, or what you ate today.  But let’s go deeper, and consider more significantly – why is it important to remember?

Well, to start with, it’s our history, our story. If we don’t remember, it’s hard to tell the story.  And I would say, it’s not only important to tell our story to others, but how about to ourselves?  Did you know you’re telling yourself yourstory much of the time (“self-talk”)?

Think about it.  It may be something like:

• This always happens to me…
• Why should it work out? I’m just a (fill in the blank).

Or maybe the story you’re telling yourself is more along the lines of:

• Things always work out the way they’re supposed to.
• I was worried last time, and everything was fine. It will be okay. 

But how about the part of our story where God entered in (although, wasn’t He there all along?).  For some it’s dramatic, for others it may be gradual, or even a simple, peaceful moment.  Do you remember His faithfulness?

Can you recall the times you doubted, and he blew your expectations out of the water?  How about times of quiet victory or comfort; the things only you know in your heart where your Heavenly Father came through for you in an intimate way?  How about the times of wrestling and struggling, and finally giving in to realize He knew best?

In Joshua 4, Joshua describes the time after the nation of Israel had finished passing over the Jordan and God instructed Joshua to take twelve men, one from each tribe, and twelve stones to make an altar to God where they camped for the night.  The Lord then instructed Joshua about the altar:

“…this may be a sign among you. When your children ask in time to come, ‘What do those stones mean to you?’ then you shall tell them that the waters of the Jordan were cut off before the ark of the covenant of the LORD. When it passed over the Jordan, the waters of the Jordan were cut off. So these stones shall be to the people of Israel a memorial forever.”  Joshua 4:6-7

God instructed the Israelites to be deliberate in setting up a memorial – a way to remember, and be able to tell the story, of God’s faithfulness to them. 

What a beautiful picture this is – God wanted to help the people remember how he came through for them, His faithfulness and care for his children.  Why? Maybe it’s because He knows we forget. And how much of our anxiety is caused by our forgetting that God is with us, and He has been and will continue to be faithful to us?

We begin telling ourselves our versions of our story.  And unfortunately, our versions, without God’s light and truth illuminating them, can be limited and skewed.  See Isaiah 55:8-9 and Proverbs 3:5-6.

In the Psalms, the Psalmists tell us how they will remember what God has done and who He is.  They are intentional in their statements of this remembrance:

“I will remember the works of the LORD: surely I will remember your wonders of old.” Psalm 77:11

“Remember the wondrous works that he has done, his miracles, and the judgments he uttered,” Psalm 105:5

“I remember your name in the night, O LORD, and keep your law.” Psalm 119:55

So while we may not be traveling in the desert, with stones and tribes – we are journeying through life.  How can we setup memorial places to remember God’s faithfulness in our lives?  These “places” will likely be figurative and not actual places; like drawings, pictures, words written on walls, journal entries, or a hundred other things that may work for you.

But whatever the memorial is, I encourage you to take the time to make that memorial place, to put a marker on the map of your life, when it was so clear that your story and God’s story were one.

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How many questions did you ask Google today?  If you’re like me, you may have lost count.  It could be things as simple as the price of a brand of vitamins, and how to take a screenshot on a new phone; in other words, nothing too deep.  But it all points to the fact that we like answers; and quickly.

So this could explain why we are so uncomfortable, confused and hurt by things in our lives we may not have answers for; prayers that seemed to go unanswered.  Things that we have hoped or longed for, that we still don’t have.

Like, that relationship, that pregnancy, that home, that healing, that success, that reconciliation.  You likely know what that is for you.

Let’s talk first about owning our desire for these things.  Desire is not wrong.  The Bible actually encourages us to come to God with our desires. Here are a few verses:

“Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.”  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. Or what man is there among you who, when his son asks for a loaf, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, he will not give him a snake, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!”  Matthew 7:7-11

So, it’s okay to ask, beg, pray, and wrestle with God.  After all, this is what He tells us to do.

But what if we don’t get an answer?  How do we get to the place where we can accept the not knowing?  Could the answer be in seeking after the Lord, for Himself, and not for what he can give us?  Wanting God more than that person or thing?

As I write these words, I feel the sting in my own heart in accepting what I believe to be true.  Does this mean dreams have to die?  I would say maybe.

Maybe a dream has to die.  Or at least the way it is right now has to die.  In other words, it could be that the thing we’re dreaming, wishing or hoping for has become so large that we can see nothing else.  Maybe it’s become an obsession; and you have become sick (emotionally, physically and spiritually) over it and your relationships are being ruined because of it.

Although there are times when we allow a dream to die, only for God to fulfill that very dream or desire – in His way and at His time.  Has this happened to you?  You’ve finally let that thing go; you may have even forgotten about it, and God ends up blessing you with it?

I love this about our Heavenly Father.  He enjoys blessing us.  But this is not a formula or trick. We’re not playing cards with the Lord.

Why do things sometimes work out after we let them go?  As Psalm 75:8 describes:

“For they provoked him to anger with their high places, and moved him to jealousy with their graven images.”

God is a jealous God.  But we must understand – this is no ugly, selfish, human jealousy.  I believe this is a fierce protectiveness of our hearts, which can so easily be led astray.  God knows that when we make idols of people or things, the pursuit of those people or things will eventually kill us. Literally or figuratively.  And God doesn’t want this for us.     

But, going back to my original question – how do we get to the place where we can accept the not knowing? What could God be trying to teach us in the waiting, and wondering?  Once again, we visit the Psalms, this time Psalm 55:22:

“Cast your burden on the LORD, and he shall sustain you: he shall never suffer the righteous to be moved.”

When you dig down into the original language of this verse, you find out that the “burden” referenced in this verse speaks to “thy portion – or, the lot assigned thee – that which God has given thee to bear” (Pulpit Commentary, 1880-97).

This really struck me – this verse is not simply talking about any burden, but that which God has given you or I to bear.  So here we are faced with a choice – do we still believe God is good and are we willing to still trust him when we realize he has given us the burden we’re facing?

He’s not answering your prayer in the way and time you want it answered for a reason.  And I don’t know why.  I wish that I did; for myself and for others.  But one thing I can tell you is that in therapy, I have sat with many people who wrestle with these questions.  One thing I’ve said to clients many times is that we all carry question marks in our hearts – answers we just don’t have about why things haven’t worked out.

But I challenge my clients to ask themselves the question above:  Are they still going to believe God is good and are they willing to still trust him, when they realize he has given them the burden they are facing?  I pray the answer is yes.

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One of the first and most important things I was told upon becoming a Christian was that Scripture never contradicts Scripture, rather Scripture confirms Scripture.  So, if I am reading a verse and find another verse that seems to say something different, it means that I need to study further to understand the context in which the verses were written.  

Believing the Bible to be inerrant (without error), it will become clear, and it will be revealed that there’s no contradiction, once you understand the full context, and the original language used.  I firmly believe this. 

How does this apply to a study on forgiveness in the Psalms?  Well, we’re going to visit the Psalms and another book in the Bible to illuminate this topic.  

We’ll start in Psalm 103:8-12:

8The Lord is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love.
9He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever;
10he does not treat us as our sins deserve
or repay us according to our iniquities.
11For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his love for those who fear him;
12as far as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

David, in this Psalm, describes the character and attitude of God toward us, a sinful people.  I would argue that here we have found a description of what our attitude is to be toward those who sin against us.  And what is embedded in here is a glorious description of forgiveness.  

Let’s next visit Colossians 3:13:

13bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.

In this verse, the Apostle Paul describes how we are to forgive one another, “as the Lord has forgiven you”.  So, when we put these verses from Psalms and Colossians together, a more complete picture comes together of what forgiveness looks like.  

While we know the answer when we are wronged is to forgive, how do we go about doing it?  It’s a process.  As much in this life is.   

There are some things we may easily forgive, and even forget – like a stolen parking place.  But for other things, particularly instances of abuse or other deep transgression, we may struggle to forgive.  

But as with most trials in life, I believe this is to draw us closer to the Lord.  After all, if it were easy to forgive, I wouldn’t likely be writing about it.

Particularly for deep wounds, there can be layers of forgiveness we have to go through.  We may have to talk about it, pray about it, and write about it again and again.  It may come up again in our hearts, in a different time or season, where we will need to go to the Lord again with it.  Or it may not; each situation is unique. 

But this isn’t just always with deep wounds.  Sometimes we take the “small” transgressions, like the stolen parking space I spoke about before, and we stack them up within our hearts and minds.  

We begin to keep a record of things done to us.  You see this in relationships – where husbands and wives can recount each and every hurtful word or deed that was done by their partner.  

And then one day we take that list and we use it to justify a complete blow up or melt down; which can show up in arguments or even divorce papers.  But can we consider that maybe the list of wrongs doesn’t have to become a mile long before we do something about it?  Maybe that’s the point of forgiving, and keeping a short record (or no record) of wrongs?

If we are to forgive “as the Lord has forgiven you”, then we should not treat one another “as our sins deserve.”

If you’re struggling to forgive someone, or many people, or maybe even yourself, I encourage you to pray for God’s help.  Pray to be able to forgive as Paul instructed in Colossians above.  Reach out to a trusted pastor or therapist if you find yourself stuck.  We are here to help.

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As therapists, we don’t shy away from emotions. We appreciate and even encourage emotional expressions. I can tell you wholeheartedly that I enjoy watching movies with lots of displays of relationship and family dynamics, and expressions of emotion.

Displays of anger, particularly when expressed verbally, are powerful and typically give you a view into a person’s heart. After all, recall what the second part of Matthew 12:34 says, “For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Our words give us away, particularly when we’re angry.

Have you ever tried to pretend you weren’t upset with someone to their face? How painful is this “act”? Or maybe you tend to be passive-aggressive. So, you never quite own your anger and therefore it comes out sideways, in underhanded jabs, leaving people wondering if they just got stabbed.

Maybe your anger runs very deep, and it feels quite justified. You may have had a loved one (or someone supposed to be a loved one) that wounded or betrayed you. Is it right to feel anger toward them? What do you do with it?

Let’s look more closely at Psalm 109. This Psalm was written by King David and has 31 verses. We’re just going to focus on a few of them. First verses 1 and 2:

¹Be not silent, O God of my praise!
²For wicked and deceitful mouths are opened against me,
speaking against me with lying tongues.

David cries out to God, begging him to answer his call. He describes what he is going through – people are slandering him. Being slandered, lies being told about you, is one of the most painful things to go through. Particularly when you have tried to do the right thing by the Lord and in your life. So, we can all understand, David is angry about what he’s going through.

David then begins to describe line by line all that he would like to see done to his enemies. We’ll look at a few verses here:

⁹May his children be fatherless
and his wife a widow!
¹⁰May his children wander about and beg,
seeking food far from the ruins they inhabit!
¹¹May the creditor seize all that he has;
may strangers plunder the fruits of his toil!
¹²Let there be none to extend kindness to him,
nor any to pity his fatherless children!

Can you relate yet? If we’re honest, I think we all can. I believe we all have been so angry as to imagine harm coming to those who have hurt us. What’s amazing is that this intensity of anger is in the Bible – in a prayer to God. And the intensity does not end here – there are more verses following these that describe what King David is asking God to do to punish his enemies.

However, 9 verses later, something changes. David refocuses on who he is speaking to – Almighty God – declaring that his “steadfast love is good” (verse 21). And then David acknowledges his own situation, “I am poor and needy, and my heart is stricken within me” (verse 22). See the verses below:

²¹But you, O GOD my Lord,
deal on my behalf for your name’s sake;
because your steadfast love is good, deliver me!
²²For I am poor and needy,
and my heart is stricken within me.

I believe we can find insight here. Is the answer to anger found in acknowledging our own sin and need for God’s rescuing? I believe so.

But of course, similar to our other emotions, it’s that simple, and in some ways, it’s not that simple. What do I mean? Well, the answer can be that simple but actually working through the anger isn’t always that simple.

For some of us, the hurt is so deep, and the anger so strong, that we will need to express it over and over again to finally let it go. The expression could be crying out to God, talking to someone we trust, writing therapeutic letters (a letter we write to the person we’re upset with, but don’t actually give it to the them), attending a support group, processing it in therapy, confronting the person we’re upset with, setting up healthier boundaries (what we say yes and no to for our lives), artistic ventures like painting, acting or writing, and so much more.

Anger is not a “bad” emotion.

But one thing we have to remember is that anger is not a “bad” emotion. When we label emotions as “good” or “bad” it gets in the way of dealing with them. Because our emotions tell us something. As in the case of anger – it tells us something about what’s going on inside of us.

In Psalm 4:4, King David instructs us:

⁴Be angry, and do not sin;
ponder in your own hearts on your beds, and be silent.

In other words, take time to reflect upon what is going on in your heart, and why the anger is there. Do not simply react (such as sending a text you can’t take back) to feeling that way.

In the book of Ephesians, chapter 4, verses 25 and 26, the Apostle Paul instructs us:

²⁵Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to your neighbor, for we are all members of one body. ²⁶“In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, ²⁷and do not give the devil a foothold.

First, he talks about speaking truthfully, which can, many times, prevent anger from getting rooted in your heart. In other words, deal with the matter at hand – say what you have to say (ideally, speaking the truth in love).

Paul then references Psalm 4:4 at the beginning of verse 26, “in your anger do not sin.” It doesn’t say, ‘if you’re angry, you’re sinning.’ Sometimes we confuse the two and convince ourselves that it’s wrong to be angry, and we live inauthentic lives, never addressing offenses or telling others or ourselves the truth. But you don’t have to live this way.

It’s impossible to cover every scenario in a blog. But know that your story is important. Please reach out if you need to talk or you need help processing how you’re feeling or figuring out what to do next. You’re not alone. I’m here to help.

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The grass withers, the flower fades: but the word of our God shall stand forever.  – Isaiah 40:8

According to Andy Haley from stack.com (last updated September 23, 2015), did you know these things happen every day in our bodies?

You get shorter (gravity).
You gain weight.
Your hormones fluctuate.
Your heart rate changes.
You’re more or less likely to get hurt (more likely in the evening than the morning).
Your body temp peaks in the afternoon.

Our bodies are constantly changing, and so are our emotions. But to someone who is depressed, this is one of the hardest things to believe; that they won’t always feel this way. But as the verse above says, the “grass withers, the flower fades” – nothing on this earth lasts forever, except for the Word (Bible) and promises of God.

So, if we apply this principle to feeling depressed – this is actually good news. As I sincerely promise all of the clients I work with who are experiencing depression, they won’t always feel this way – and it turns out to be true.

Depression eventually lessens.

Sometimes through therapy, sometimes medication, sometimes nutritional and lifestyle changes, sometimes through circumstances changing, and sometimes through a whole combination of these things and more. Always through prayer; although not always in the timeframe we would want. But the depression does eventually lift.

Now, let me say a few things before we delve into the Psalms again. Depression is not “one size fits all”. Everyone who experiences depression experiences it in a different way.

Some people cry, and others can’t find any tears. Some people eat more, some eat less. Some sleep more, some less. Some people find it hard to function and others bury themselves in tasks and responsibilities. Some people’s depression comes and goes, others experience depression that weighs heavily for what can seem like a lifetime.

Just the same, the answers about why the depression is there are not necessarily easy either, and sometimes it takes some time to figure it all out. Relieving depression is also not simple, or formulaic. Believe me, I wish it was…

But what I do want you to know is that if you are experiencing depression, you’re not alone. I have walked with many people down what may seem like a very dark path, and I have seen as what little light there is becomes brighter and brighter until the depression is in the past rather than the present. Isn’t that what we all want?

Let’s look at Psalm 42:5 first:

⁵Why, my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God,
for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.

Here the Psalmist acknowledges the depression he is feeling, but he almost instructs himself to put his hope in God and declares that he will praise Him, reminding himself (and all of us) that God is his Savior and his God.

Part of the darkness of depression is feeling alone. Feeling like no one understands you and wondering if maybe God has even forgotten you since you aren’t experiencing relief. See here what David wrote in Psalm 13:2:

²How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and day after day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

In the midst of depression, you wrestle with your thoughts; trying to figure out why you’re feeling the way you are, or you wonder why you are going through the depression in the first place. David understood. He describes here the agony and frustration of not knowing when the sorrow in his heart will end.

Just a few verses later, his tone (and his focus) changes:

⁵But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
⁶I will sing the Lord’s praise,
for he has been good to me.

Now, truthfully, we don’t know that experientially his feelings changed as quickly as reading one verse to another. What he wrote may have been a summary of what he had been feeling over a time period. It may have taken time for him to actually cry out to God in his suffering and then to praise God. In fact, it takes time for most anyone going through depression to experience this change, or for some, to even be able to praise God.

We see David reflect here on God’s promises to us of his unfailing love and salvation. David, similar to the Psalmist in Psalm 42 above, then declares that he will “sing the Lord’s praise” and reminds himself of God’s faithfulness.

What can we learn from these passages?

We won’t always feel the way we feel; our emotions change.
We are not alone; God is always with us, and others have gone before us, felt similarly, and experienced God’s faithfulness, closeness, and relief.

There is something we can do in the midst of depression which will provide some relief, and that is to cry out to God – tell Him all that you are going through, and trust that He’s listening.

“Instruct” yourself to praise God because it’s likely not the first thing you’re thinking of when you feel depressed. But, praising God, singing to Him, is not only honoring to the Lord, but it’s good for us. It can provide perspective and relief.

Keep in mind, if it takes you some time to get to this place of praising God, it’s okay. It will not be helpful to put pressure on yourself or feel shame because you’re not ready to do this. Again, everyone’s experience is different.

Finally, what I’ve written here isn’t everything, but I pray it’s a start. Please reach out to a therapist or trusted pastor if this message is speaking to you, and you’re feeling stuck and alone, like the darkness is engulfing you, like there are no answers and nothing is working. We’re here to help.